Learn from the world at every fall

Photography © Kasia Derwinska

Language is important because of it we build thought and choose to see and talk about ourselves in one way or another. And we build from the language, both individually (I talk about myself according to how I perceive myself and others will perceive me as they see and hear me), as on a collective level (we can treat as a society a group in a derogative way, or we can make a collective effort to use a non stigmatizing or offensive language).

Language is also important in describing our inner process, our inner struggles. Recently a close and dear person, said about me that I am receding because of the crisis I am currently go through. And maybe it’s a way to see it, but I think it’s a pretty destructive way and the language used does not help.

Crisis. C-R-I-S-I-S. When I am okay, the word flies above me, always stalking, the crisis in which I can re-fall (“re-“, because there have been so many falls that I am not able to count). When I feel bad, the label: Crisis, crisis! And back, of course, as if my disorder were following a straight line and I had scored badly with the dice falling in a punishment box: “you go back ten boxes, now you are like twenty years ago.”

It is true that I myself often think that I do not progress in my process, that sometimes I look and I wonder if I have learned nothing since the last fifteen years until here. And of course I have learned, about me, about how I work, how things that affect me, how I relate to my environment; about the world in which I live, how to find a place in it although sometimes it goes away, how to build small spaces in which to feel at ease … Repeating some insane behavior that first emerged in my adolescence does not mean that from then until today I has not learned, does not imply a regression, a crisis, a new failure to get into the backpack.

It is inevitable, many of us go through and maybe we will continue going through relapses and moments of downturn, but I do not think it helps us to lash ourselves with the whip of crisis and setbacks. Perhaps if we are able, even in bad times, to know that each relapse takes us wiser, more experienced, more able to face them without breaking down, it may even – as it happens to me – with a more related environment, one that I also have been able to build myself and that works with me when I need it most, that leaves the skin for supporting me… Perhaps if we are able, as I say, to find and value progress even in the most difficult moments, we would be taking steps forward even in the middle of our relapse.

I want to recover a sentence that I hear these days in a song called “Pears and apples”, by the artist known in social networks as Viruta FTM. It gives the title of this post: “… and learn from the world with every fall”. It is difficult to be able to understand a fall, difficult not to see it as a stain on our life memories, but probably understanding them that way will take us through a bump we should not feel doubly wrong, not only because of the bump itself but also for the guilt of having let us fall again and of feeling ourselves unsuccessful in consequence.

So, in the small measure where I can choose, I want to try to experience that feeling, that of “learning from the world in every fall” and also in this one. And to know that, even in my moments when I have a fallen mood, I do not forget everything I have learned about myself and about this world in which I have been living, I do not lose the suitcase full of experiences with which I move, I do not start again from scratch as ME as a teenager did, but I have a lot of way back behind me and that in this crisis, if I had to call it that, I keep learning, I continue to add material to my thoughts and to my suitcase of experiences. Because the possible external judgments we receive, often made from worry or anguish, should not contribute to paralyze or blame us. And because if we do that, if we learn from the world in every fall we go through, it may help us not to live only from the negative, to not feel them as that failure that strikes us, and to see them as one more experience that helps us to keep going ahead, learning, developing as the complete person we are.

Yes, also in those “crisis”.

Marta Plaza

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