Sometimes I would like to be psychologically dead, in the sense of not realizing anything… To have no idea of who I am, why I am here, to be completely out of reality, not to be aware of this damn world in which I feel forced to live. But no, I have to carry the diagnosis, the stigma, the syndrome, the symptoms that define Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
I have been suffering for more than twenty years, thinking that I was becoming crazy because my reactions, thoughts and emotions were not “normal”. Sometimes, with true cruelty and physical and psychological self-destruction. And worst of all, I was aware of it.
So I decided to visit several psychologists and psychiatrists at an Adult Mental Health Center (CSMA). In the end, one of them told me that I was very likely to have a BPD. So I went to Hospital de Sant Pau, which at that time – it was 1999 – was carrying out a research protocol about BPD. After going through many tests, individual and group sessions, for several intense weeks, they confirmed the diagnosis.
At the beginning, I felt liberated, because they were giving a name to an immensely unbelievable discomfort. So, I thought that there was a treatment to heal it. How naïve I was!
There is a treatment, but it is a non-stop roller-coaster of psychotropic drugs, cognitive-behavioral therapies, temporary admissions in Dual Pathology Centers. And with a lot of motivation and willingness to get ahead, to understand the disorder, to accept it, to integrate it into your daily life, to have patience … But there is a moment when you realize that it is not enough, that this will never stop.
But hey, I’m not going to get negative to the extreme. Thanks to excellent mental health professionals, I am slightly improving step by step. And I accept that that when my healthy part appears, I can be the most “normal” person in the world and possess the ability to make others happy, even if it’s just only for a while. Maybe that’s why they have not abandoned me yet…
It gives me great hope to keep fighting for the people I love and the people who love me, who appreciate me, who value me. I suppose there will come one day when I will not need the approval or the esteem in excess from the others to know that I can be worth it for myself.
Naturally, following in the same line: constancy, assistance, discipline and true work with my team of professionals who help me and understand me.
From here, I take this opportunity to thank the support of all those other professionals who, punctually, had to take care of me, in some of my multiple admissions. I also take this opportunity to thank our families and partners. And, of course, to send a hopeful message for those who, like me, suffer, on a daily basis, the symptoms and consequences of a disorder that still needs to be much more investigated, though there are associations and foundations that are also struggling for it.
Come on everyone!
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